There is a young man I work with who often shares stories about how he is a disappointment to others. He is still a young man in his 20s and yet he is able to provide multiple examples of how he repeatedly disappoints others and himself. It’s a dominant narrative in his life and in many ways defines how he sees himself and how the theme of being a disappoinment influences his relationships and the sense of success that will be available to him as he moves through life. This is what we can call a problem-saturated narrative.
Exploring the origins of this disappointment reveals a childhood plagued by neglect, a school system that classified him as a difficult child and a slow learner, excessive bullying and a stepfather delivering cruelty of Dickensian proportions. All the people around him and the systems he encountered told him he operated outside the norms of what people preferred and that his behaviour made him difficult to be around. Most people stopped caring enough to understand how this young boy was struggling. Over time he had accepted the messages he was receiving, internalised the meaning he had made of events as being a disappointment and came to believe he was a disappointing failure.
By deconstructing problem saturated stories, we can start to see how we have internalised messages and meanings about ourselves that simply may not be true. Recognising how a problem story is impacting our life and restraining our potential can open up an awareness of where the problem story is less dominant and what is made possible when we bring our attention to other parts of our character and behaviour that contradicts the problem story.
Problem stories may not, in fact, be valid or accurate. We can place unfair and unrealistic expectations on ourselves that are based on a standard of excellence, beauty, strength, or success that is unattainable and not even useful for us to attain. Deconstructing our problems stories has four main benefits.
1 | EMPOWERMENT
The times when this young man did feel confident and capable often passed by him without recognition largely because no one bothered to acknowledge these parts of him. He put them down to being parts of him that were ‘just expected’ and ‘things everyone can do.’ Being so used to feeling inadequate in the eyes of others meant that the everyday achievements and small acts of meeting standards of performance and excellence went by as unseen. Gradually we can start to see where we have agency and control over life events and can begin to push against the restraining factors of our problem saturated stories. We start to remember the powers that are within us and can propel us forward.
2 | NEW PERSPECTIVES
Societal pressure can contribute to our feelings of inadequacy rather than our own personal failures. Sometimes the qualities others had labelled as problematic actually lead us to a skill that we learn to value. The daydreaming child becomes that creative entrepreneur; the talkative distracter from school becomes the adult gifted with interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence. When we can see that some of the problems, we have in our lives are not about an internal fault within us but rather they are problems that life has presented, others may experience similar problems and solutions exists. We have the power to find solutions and seek support to direct our attention towards our potential and away from of sense of helplessness or hopelessness.
3 | REDUCTION OF SELF-BLAME
When we recognise that external factors like poor economic conditions, domestic violence, neglect, and unsupported learning needs can play an enormous part in the opportunities we receive and the encouragement we are given, we can move our attention away from self-blame. When external influences are at play, we cannot be solely responsible for the situations we sometimes find ourselves placed within. The longer we stay stuck in self-blame the less energy we have to seek the right support and solutions for transforming our problems.
4 | CREATION OF NEW EMPOWERING STORIES
Ultimately our attention can be directed towards stories of empowerment that celebrate our strengths, what we value and what we are committed to achieving for our lives. Stories of victimhood that are transformed into stories of resilience and strength that can shift us towards new beliefs about who we are and how life works. Seeing ourselves as capable and strong and remembering the people who validate that identity enrich our stories of empowerment.
Deconstructing stories in narrative practice is a powerful process that helps us gain clarity and agency over our life narratives, fostering personal growth and positive change. Use our template for how to deconstruct problem stories to guide you towards creating new, empowering stories. Download The Template Here.